I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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