Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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