I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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