Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
