Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
