At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."