shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
