Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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