My liver just broke up with me...
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
