you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
