Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
