god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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