the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
