My girlfriend figured out who you are.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
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I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
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I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize