Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
What drink are we having for lunch?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
