I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
