it glows. i had to have it.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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