Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
