I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
