So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
