6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
