The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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