Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
