Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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