I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
