drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
