sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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