pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
