the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
