I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Come see our sink grown plant.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
