i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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