i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
