you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
