Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize