how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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