When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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