Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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