Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
