I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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