I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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