when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
