saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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