Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
