I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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