Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
