I could have mohawked her pubes.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
