new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
