I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
