Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Barsexuality is the new black.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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