Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
