I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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