idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
