kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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