I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
